I despair. (I blogged about this earlier and have since been receiving lots of hits from a link in a very dark area of the internet.)
Cleaners in a hotel used a master key to unlock a locked hotel room and found a man having sex.
It really should have stopped there. He was doing nothing wrong. He was in private. He can do what he likes. Bikes are sturdy things - they can take it!
This is Britain. We're a free country, for goodness sake! It was the fault of the hotel staff for interrupting him. If you pay for a hotel room, you don't expect to be gratuitously interrupted.
But no, because he was having simulated sex with a bicycle this alarmed the cleaning staff who interrupted him. And he didn't stop apparently.
So, if he'd been having sex with a woman, that would be all right presumably. Even if he didn't stop with her? Another man? Something he bought from Ann Summers? They would be all right presumably. Would they? Or not? Come on Sherrif Colin Murray, tell us where you draw the line.
But no, it was a bicycle, so he is hauled up in front of the Sherrif (it's Scotland), put on the sex offenders' register and put on probation for three years.
His life ruined because of some utterly stupid misguided disgrace of a Sherrif, who ought to be ashamed of himself!
I think I can safely say this without fear of a libel action, and it's a Scottish word, so it's appropriate.
Sherrif Colin Murray, you're a total NUMPTY!