EXCLUSIVE: David Cameron is off gorgonzola and Rioja - ergo he is unfit for office

Well if you track back to the original story about Brown's health it seems to be based on a "long list of foods" which he is supposedly not meant to be served. Strangely, this "long list of foods" is so far, in the public domain, a short list of foods. In fact it is just two foods. "Cheese and chianti".

(The story also demands to know where Brown "runs daily" as if to suggest that such an assertion by his spokesperson is made up. Would suggesting that he runs in a private gym be terribly earth-shattering? A treadmill in the Number 11 flat? He doesn't need to go out in Hyde Park to actually run, stupid.)

I have a confession to make. I love cheese, but on two occasions in fifty years when I have gone over the top on the old fromage consumption I have had a headache the following day. On one of these occasions I had to lie down for an hour. So I have to be careful with my beloved cheese.

Once I had to avoid red wine for six months because I appeared to develop a temporary allergy to it. Happily, I can consume it freely these days.

At some stage in the past, if someone could be bothered to draw up a list of foods I should avoid, there might have been "cheese and red wine" on such a list.

When I was much younger (like 40 years ago) I used to throw tantrums when I was losing at "Risk" (a game involving the quest for world domination - it brought out the meglomaniac in me and when I was left owning just Australia I used to flip) and used to throw the board across the room. It was a running family joke for a long time.

I occasionally pick my nose. I do use my handkerchief though (mostly).

So this would put me in the Gordon Brown category it would seem, according to John Ward and Guido. I am one step away from the funny farm. Bring on the strait jacket.

This "cheese and chianti" "long list of foods" has been used to suggest that Brown may be on some very strong anti-depressants, except that "Dr John Crippen" (which is a nom de plume of an actual GP) says that such claims are nonsense.

So that rules out those strong anti-depressants. So what if Brown is on Prozac? As Stephen Tall points out in a comprehensive and typically sensible post, it's reckoned that 15% of the population will face a sever bout of depression at some point in their lives. Prozac is apparently so commonly used that it shows up as a trace element in the water supply.

We really shouldn't get so jumpy about mental health problems. People need to take care of their mental health. Making them jumpy about it will not help the situation.

Guido says Brown is clearly "on the edge" because he picked his nose once and was reported to have thrown a tantrum in the office etc etc. Well come on, he's Prime Minister. He's dealt reasonably well (in the sense of surviving) one of the greatest economic emergencies of our times. His poll ratings are in the toilet. He has every right to be "on the edge".

All this has made me feel: "Well, full marks to Brown for keeping going while all this manure is flying around".

As for Andrew Marr - should he have asked Brown about his health? Of course. It is a free country. But questions are not answers. As is the practice with some American office holders and potential office-holders, I do think that regular health reports for our leaders should be in the public domain. But often they are so edited that they ask more questions than they answer. On balance, I think we should know if our Prime Minister is on medication. However, it shouldn't be problem if he or she is on Prozac, that's for sure.

Could Brown snatch victory from the jaws of defeat?

No, actually. But seeing his determined face and his "I do not roll over" statement on the Beeb, one wonders if he might just do a John Major "soapbox" trick and get people's admiration for staying power. You never know, he could just snatch twenty seats for Labour at the next election.

At least, from his Beeb photo, he seems to have finally realised that it is a mistake for him to try to "smile". For that we can all be grateful, whatever our political persuasion.

"Busting a gut" and other outlandishly disingenuous phrases

"Busting a gut"

That's what Her Britannic Majesty's Secretary of Defence, the Right Honourable Robert William Ainsworth MP is doing. He's doing it to try to get more helicopters in operation in Afghanistan.

But hey, wait a sec. Gordon Brown says there are enough helicopters there. So Bobby Boy, sit back and pour yourself a long lager. No gut busting required here, mate.

There are eight Chinooks waiting to go out there.

...says our Bob. Excellent. Well done all round. And how long have they been waiting?

Er............. since 2002 actually.

Ah!

Oh dear.

But let's not concern ourselves. Boys are dying out there. But the Secretary of Defence is "busting a gut".

So, that's all right then.

Brown: Incapacity losing the hand of Prudence

Sir Fred Goodwin was a guest of the PM's at Chequers no more than six months before being forced to quit as RBS' boss. Is there any greater demonstration that Gordon Brown did not have a clue what was going on with the banks until they fell around his ears?

The words of William Blake might be relevant here (then again they might not be and I just include them anyway because they're good): "Prudence is a rich, ugly, old maid courted by incapacity."

It seems that Gordon Brown's incapacity lost the courtship.

We have seen Lord Myners carrying the can for allowing Sir Fred to get away with a stupendous leaving package. Is it not clear from the Chequers guest list that Sir Fred's brownie point reservoir, in high places, was well and truly topped up when he needed it? Perhaps a tad more can-carrying should be done by G.Brown Esq.

Nick Clegg dressed up as Marge Simpson. Now there's a thought....

I hardly ever buy a daily paper during in the week nowadays. It seems silly when you can read so much online or watch it on the box. I do usually buy a Guardian on Saturdays, mainly spurred on by my nearest and dearest's enthusiasm for "The Guide" which is the handiest telly guide around (as well as covering a lot of other stuff which we never read).

Sometimes I miss a Saturday, especially if I haven't yet read the previous week's non-news sections. I then spend a weekend catching up. It is one of my small contributions to the health of the planet.

That is a very long-winded excuse for only now having read the two in depth party leader interviews from last weekend's glossy magazines.

As usual I nervously insist that I did not buy the Mail on Sunday. A relative of right-wing persuasion kindly gave me the MoS glossy Live. This featured Nick Clegg on its front cover and over several pages. The interview is a glorified rehash of the all the little Clegg Cacti arson/30 lovers/don't like to talk about drugs stories. It does, however, enlighten us with the fact that Clegg went to a New York fancy dress party with Marcel Theroux dressed as a female character from The Simpsons. What the article doesn't divulge is which character Clegg dressed as, although it mentions that huge wigs were involved. The next cutting-edge journalist who interviews Clegg really ought to find out which character he was dressed up as. Marge Simpson? I think we should be told. Oh, do let it be Marge! The vision of Clegg as Marge is absolutely delicious. Oh let there be a photo somewhere of this!

Anyway, apart from that, the MoS Live article is mainly notable for some excellent photography by Ian Derry, including the prominent cover shot which I reproduce below.

The Guardian Weekend article on Brown is really very well observed and written, by Katharine Viner. It's worth a read. You have to admire Brown's resilience, but it seems that his very resilience is born out of a lack of self-awareness. He is the ultimate bunker politician. He's not a very good communicator, he admits. That is a problem with a modern Prime Minister. Viner mentions that Brown is totally different in private, where he is very engaging. Well, that's no good is it? We're all good in private, for goodness sake. But if you are Prime Minister you have to C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. They also said John Major was very good in private. Big deal. He was also useless at communicating in public, which was his main job.

Viner ends with an interesting observation. During several long meetings with Brown, Viner "never once saw him perform that strange, lower-jaw breathing manoeuvre he so often executes in public." That's amazing isn't it? Brown reserves his goldfish impersonation just for the public. Very good of him.

Viner concludes interestingly:

His image is fusty and secretive, but he's the first prime minister to sit in an open-plan office in Downing Street. To me he spoke fluently and with passion. He sounded like a normal person.
The prime minister is a man of such paradoxes. He is now convinced free market solutions can't work, but is still privatising parts of the Royal Mail and the health service. He passes strong legislation on women while appointing few to top positions. He sees himself as a good person, but employs others to do his dirty work. He wants to stay as prime minister, but longs to get out of No 10, govern from a train, become a teacher. As he says himself, "It's a strange life, really."

If you read one thing today....

I would strongly recommend making it this superb analysis of events atop the New Labour project in the last few weeks from Andrew Rawnsley. He is particularly incisive on the relationship between Brown and Mandelson:

"What's he up to?" one senior Tory exclaimed to me the other day, simply unable to comprehend why Peter Mandelson saved Gordon Brown, the man with whom he conducted such an epically gory feud for 14 years before he returned to the cabinet last autumn. "They hate each other!"
Well, yes they did, but weirdly enough they have always loved each other too. It all goes back to the highly charged days that followed John Smith's death in 1994. Before then, Peter Mandelson was closer to Gordon Brown than he was to Tony Blair. It was the rational choice to back the younger Blair for leader when he was much more popular in the polls, with the media and with senior colleagues. Yet it provoked a wholly irrational response from Gordon Brown. The years of hate were so poisonous precisely because they were preceded by love.
Since his return, the two have rediscovered what they admired in each other before the great rupture. Peter tells friends that he has been "reintroduced" to Gordon's "good qualities. Gordon has clung to Peter's presentational flair, tactical nous, coolness in a crisis and loyalty in a crunch. It is highly doubtful that he would have survived the last fortnight without the presence of Baron Mandelson, the self-described "Prince of Stability" who bound in other members of the cabinet and guarded the Blairite flank.

The article is rich with Rawnsley's usual very funny epithets and spot-on judgments. I had quite a chuckle, as I read it in the sun in Newbury's "Peace Garden" (or one of them, by the canal). It occurred to me that Mr Rawnsley is very much my "high Priest" of political matters. I have read and enjoyed his columns ever since he was a slip of a lad fresh, from Uni, writing sketches in the Guardian and winning the "Newcomer of the Year" award. It is hard to imagine the British political scene without him.

Brown's confrontation with Labour MPs - blow by blow

Paul Waugh of the Evening Standard really is an awesome political reporter. He's assembled a blow by blow account of the Labour parliamentary party meeting last night. It is here.

The dead man walks on

Iain Dale says that Cameron is delighted about last night's Parliamentary Labour party meeting outcome:

Brown remains in situ. He's swinging from the gibbet but there is no one courageous enough at the top of the Labour Party to pull the rope tight around his neck.

I don't think courage enters into it. I very much doubt that either Alan Johnson or David Milliband want the poisoned chalice of the Labour leadership at the moment. They would not have any real leeway to radically change policies at this stage and they would just caretake the party until it goes down to an ignominious defeat. Why not give Brown that privilege? Perhaps nearer June 4th 2010, one of them might think it would be nice to go into the election leading the Labour party with a honeymoon effect surrounding them...I don't know.

I am struck by something I wrote about Brown a year ago in a post entitled: "Gordon Brown: One sandwich short of a picnic"- which is still true today:

To put it bluntly, (Brown) won't be a success as Prime Minister as long as he has a hole in his bottom.

The Alan Sugar bluffer's guide to politics

An entertaining couplet of Alan Sugar interviews here on PoliticsHome. He's not joining the government and will be a non-political adviser on business - "a Giant Dragon's Den but not with my money". He says he understands he will become a peer but when asked if he would take the Labour Whip he said: "I'm sorry I'm not sure what that means. I'm not familiar with the technicalities of all this."

He also said he had checked his new role with the BBC and it was OK - so Dominic Grieve can go boil his head.

But the bit I found funny was this:

He went on to criticise the media's coverage of recent events. "The country is driven by this giant reality show. You, Paxman and the chubby fellow who hangs outside Downing Street," he said.
"Cameron at the moment must think he's won the lottery and it's you lot winding up the public," he said.

Who is this "chubby fellow" he is on about? It's not Gary O'Donoghue (pictured below) par chance, is it?

Or could he be referring to the svelte Adam Boulton?

Brown is safe

That's how it looks to me after the events of the last two hours.

The Tories don't want Brown to go anyway - it would be a disaster for them - so Cameron laid off making any particularly "killer" remarks (he could have done a John Smith, for example) in this week's PMQs.

Brown's early reshuffle this morning has had an amazing effect on that email which was alleged to be circulating amongst Labour MPs. It's stopped going round for now, says the BBC's John Piper. Additionally, none of the big hitters - Johnson, Miliband, Hutton - who could have killed off Brown, have done so. Well that says it all doesn't it? Brown is safe.

Brown has also neatly pre-empted the bulk of the council results coming in, and grabbed the initiative/headlines.

He's kept his main rival nice and close to him - Johnson moves to the Home Office (where I think he will do a reasonably good job). That will satisfy Johnson fans, to an extent.

The only resignation so far this morning is John Hutton but that appears to be a loyal resignation, if there is such a thing.

What is amazing is that Darling is staying at the Treasury. Apparently he refused offers of other roles - which speaks volumes about the balance of power in the government.

But Brown can rest easy in Number 10 for a few more months and James Purnell is now looking like a bit of a wassock.

Mind you, this post certainly comes into the category of those I might later regret. I might have to eat my words earlier than I expect!

Psst...another rumour from the Tweetdeck

Paul Waugh, who has consistently provided excellent bits and bobs from Westminster, says that "the word in Westminster is" (as they say) that a Cabinet Minister will resign as soon as the polls close at 10pm tonight.

This came to me via Twitter.

Incidentally, you can see a collection of most of the LibDem Twitterers here. All their Tweets scroll up as they happen. They are in overdrive today from various committee rooms, polling stations, phone canvassing banks etc etc.

I am a great fan of James Graham's Tweets. A couple hours ago he tweeted with this classic:

Darwinian selection in action in our electoral system. UKIP voters confused by 'folding': http://tinyurl.com/pm262j

Can Brown actually form a government?

Pulling together various reports, it seems that John Reid and David Blunkett have turned down roles in Gordon Brown's government. These reports came from the Independent (amongst others) and a "senior Labour source".

There's also a loose rumour that John Reid, perhaps performing the role of the men in grey suits single-handedly (with, perhaps, a finger or twain of Single Malt thrown in), told Brown to resign, after refusing to join his government as Home Secretary.

(Number Ten say Reid and Brown talked about football. So there's a crisis engulfing Brown and he is spending his time chatting about football and ringing up Simon Cowell to ask how Susan Boyle is - great.)

Thirdly, there is a rumour via Sky News (who don't have the highest credibility at the moment, admittedly, but it was also reported widely including in the Telegraph) that Alastair Darling turned down the role of Home Secretary.

With this sort of rate of refusal, one wonders whether Brown can actually credibly form a government to run the country from next Monday onwards!

It's possible Blunkett was also sounded out for Home Secretary. So, if true (and much of this is in the twilight zone of rumour) that would make three people - Blunkett, Reid and Darling - who have refused the role of Home Secretary this week.

That surely must rate as a record, does it not?

But come off it, if three eminently suitable, experienced politicians turn down the key and senior role of Home Secretary, then surely the game is up and there is nothing left but to jump into the limousine for a relaxing ride to Buck House for a refreshing cup of tea and a soothing chat with our Betty, is there not?

That "pearl handled revolver" email to Gordon Brown from Labour backbenchers

When I saw that Martin Salter had denied existence of a "Please go Gordon" email circulating amongst Labour backbenchers, I suspected that was a sure sign that such an email existed. - Such is the reliability of the great Mr Salter. And now my suspicions are confirmed as Nick Robinson has been sent a copy of the email:

The BBC's Nick Robinson has obtained a copy of the email being circulated amongst Labour MPs to test support for the prime minister. It is reported to consist of the following short message to Gordon Brown:
"We are writing now because we believe that in the current political circumstances you can best serve the interests of the Labour party by stepping down as prime minister."

Stuff your "wait and see", Pa Broon!

A long interview with the PM on Sunday AM. He's looking and sounding more and more like Pa Broon in Private Eye's "The Broons".

At the start he did seem honest and genuine about expenses. But then, when it got onto constitutional reform the old tribal shutters came down.

When Andrew Marr talked about constitutional reforms, Pa Broon had two main deflectory tactics:

1. Yes, we need to have a debate about that.

2. We'll have a constitutional renewal bill in the autumn.

But hang on. You've had twelve years to democratise the House of Lords and have a referendum voting reform, both of which had ample cover in your first 1997 manifesto! No wonder Andrew Marr joked about "kicking it into the long grass", at that stage.

And this constitutional renewal bill seems to have the most over-blown title in the history of mankind. From what he says it is about public servants' expenses. So, it is a Housekeeping Bill. A constitutional tinkering bill at best.

And then he said that there would be a constitutional convention. At that stage my heart stopped for a nano-second. The leopard has changed its spots! Except he hadn't. It will be a convention of ministers, he says! For goodness sake! And when pressed by Marr and Helena Kennedy (how timely was her appearance on the sofa?!) for a citizens' convention or at least one with cross party and cross society involvement like the Scottish one in the nineties, he said "wait and see".

Well, stuff you Pa Broon! We've had twelve years of waiting and seeing precious little!

Gordon Brown considers LibDem-Lab deal

Well, he can go and boil his head unless he cancels the Summer recess and implements Nick Clegg's full 100 day plan.

PROOF: Gordon Brown is a boring technophobe

There are not many people who have not bothered to change their mobile's ring tone from the horrible bog standard "Nokia Tune" to something more personal.

Judging from this video of his mobile interrupting his press statement at Davros Davos, Gordon Brown is one of the few.

I was hoping his ring tone would be a little more interesting. Perhaps "Bonnie bonnie banks o' Lomond" or something like the Foo Fighters' "Long road to ruin" would have been nice.

Gloating is bad form

So, I won't tell anyone if you don't.

It is remarkable to see the Tory getting itself tied up in knots over the economy. Iain Martin writes a most entertaining article in the Torygraph suggesting that little Georgie Osbourne should be moved to a role more in line with his skills. Like looking after the Shadow Cabinet tuck shop.

The Martin article is full of quotable sentences from beginning to end. So choosing one is like shooting fish in a barrel. But here goes with some of my favourite lines:

"There has been," says a loyal Tory MP, "a strange reversal of fortune, in which Gordon Brown focuses on the macro, big picture on the economy and David, the master of theatre, is bogged down with micro initiatives and over-complicated measures of the kind Brown usually specialises in." Osborne as shadow chancellor is blamed for this, because he is most identified with the judgment calls that brought his party here. Then it was Osborne's bad luck that, just as such concerns were stirring, he chose to board a Russian yacht when he would have done far better to remain on dry land.

However, Martin is wrong in this analysis:

One of the Conservative Party's roles is supposed to be that it exists for moments in history such as these, when Leftists who have spent all the money unwisely have decided that the answer is even more of what put the country in a hole in the first place. If it is doing its job properly, the Tory party says: this has to stop and here is a better way which will restore prosperity.

The whole point is that Brown is flourishing because traditionally socialist solutions, rubbished by the Tories for decades, are proving to be the ones needed now: state intervention and regulation, to name but two.

The Tory party has spent over 100 years opposing state intervention and regulation. Now those two actions prove to be about the only thing which is giving the British and world economies any hope of salvation.

Let's face it, the Tories are on the wrong side of history at the moment. Brown, that old Scots socilaista, is on the right side of history - and that's the reason for his smile and the Cameron/Osbourne discomfiture.

The huge, massive, ginormous challenge for Gordon Brown today

We are told that this afternoon's speech is "Make or break" for Gordon Brown.

There are, indeed, myriad risks for Gordie. Just think of what could go wrong:

- He could just not turn up. They announce him but there is silence and everyone looks around but he is nowhere to be seen. He has chickened out. Or he has got the date wrong. He thinks his speech is tomorrow.

-On the way to the lectern he falls over and has a "personal accident" necessitating the emergency attentions of a cleaner with a mop and bucket, prior to commencement of the speech. Gordon grins nervously and tells a few "jokes" ("A funny thing happened to me on the way to the gallows...") while the mopping up is finished.

-He forgets his script and the autocue breaks down. So he searches the shelf of the lectern and all he can find to read out is the Manchester telephone directory. He gets to the "Rs" before anyone notices the problem. Gordon doesn't knows his "Rs" from his....[no, that's far too cheap].

-He delivers his speech in German.

-In the middle of it he breaks down and starts crying.

Yes, indeedy. So much could go wrong. Expectations are so high. Perish the thought that all he needs to do is turn up, make sure his flies are fastened, shout a bit and receive a standing ovation. This really is make or break time for Gordon.

Chinese water torture

So the total of Labour MPs calling on Brown to step down is now 12.

Excellent.

12 down. 58 to go.

Anything on the telly?

The original list included Frank Field and Kate Hoey - in terms of Labour revolts, the Pope's Balcony and the Ursine wood habit.

But the extra three includes Fiona MacTaggart - formerParliamentary Under-Secretary of State
at the Home Office. Not one of the usual suspects, I would have thought. She represents Slough, which tends to be a bit of a Labour/Tory bell-weather seat.

Explosive leaked Blair memo

"Lamentable...hubris and vacuity" are just some of the words Blair used to describe Brown's performance in a leaked memo revealed the Mail on Sunday.